A-Smithie-who-is-definitely-not-a-squirrel, contributing writer
There are some Smithies that say that we should not give our pastries to squirrels. Apparently, this is because it’s a “waste of food” and “human food is not nutritious for squirrels” and “they have started attacking us to take our pastries and that is upsetting.”
I’m just here to say that these people are wrong. We should share our pastries with squirrels, because pastries taste good and squirrels deserve good things. Maybe if more of our pastries were given to squirrels, Smith would make more pastries, and then one could actually manage to get a chocolate croissant from Hubbard once in a while.
Also, if squirrels were given pastries, they would not have to eat as many nuts from trees. Therefore, there would be many more green healthy trees, and Smith would be a more beautiful campus because of it. Smith students would also be happier, thanks to the increase in chlorophyll.
If students are already happy, they will not need as many pastries. We could give those extra pastries to the squirrels, and then everyone will be even happier. Smith would then be known as the happiest institution in the U.S., and more students would apply. That would mean that Smith would have more money, and we would be able to get even more pastries.
Other Smithies say that we should not give squirrels pastries, because “it is a lot of work and I have some homework to do right now and I don’t have time to give a pastry to a squirrel.” These students have a good point.
Therefore, I propose that we instead let the squirrels take their own pastries by giving them OneCards. Then, no Smith student would have to take time out of their busy schedule to feed said squirrels.
Also, the dining halls with pastries would get more swipes from OneCards, and then the other dining halls would become jealous and start serving pastries as well. Then Smith College would be a pastry-centric college and everything would be good.
Also, the squirrels are hungry, and Smith students are kind and good people that like to help others. Therefore, they should help squirrels by giving them pastries. This is more important now than ever before, because the Neilson construction has made it harder for squirrels to get food. This is a problem because the squirrels could decide that they have been deprived too much, and do their best to stop the construction. Then there will be fighting between the construction workers, and the squirrels, and the library will not be finished, and then students will have nowhere to eat their pastries or study.
Here are some pastries that you should give to squirrels: blueberry muffins, cinnamon rolls, cheese danishes, cinnamon croissants, chocolate scones and last but not least—raspberry strudels.
Squirrels who have eaten lots of pastries will be more energetic, and therefore they will be more fun to observe. This will make walking around campus better for all the students, faculty, staff and the people who like to push their children in strollers across campus.
Finally, we must give pastries to squirrels because more pastries for squirrels means more squirrels, and less pastries for squirrels means less squirrels, and squirrels are a good thing for us to have.
I am definitely not a squirrel. I am a concerned Smith student who thinks we should be doing what is best for our squirrels, because I am a kind and good person and I have no ulterior motive, and all of this is because I am not a squirrel.