The Forbidden Snack: Why Doritos are the Worst
Kelly Coons ’22
Assistant Opinions Editor
Doritos are the worst. Yes, I’m saying it outright: Nacho Cheese Doritos, as much as I love them, just don’t work well as a snack. This, mind you, is a statement coming from someone who loves Doritos. I am probably a bit obsessed with Doritos, actually. Every time I see them available at Chapin, I have to grab one or two bags… or five.
However, one of the explicit purposes of a snack is that you can eat it quickly. Nacho Cheese Doritos require too much time to eat. Each chip is too large to eat in one bite, so when eating Doritos, you must resort to chewing. However, each chip is still too large to eat quietly, so your super subtle chewing transforms into crunching! Crunching is very satisfying… for the person eating. The people around you don’t appreciate the crunching. The alternative is choking, though, so crunching it is.
As bad as the crunching can get, the mess is worse. As any Dorito lover knows, Doritos make crumbs. They inevitably fall out of your mouth or out of the bag and onto the floor, and once Dorito bits are on the floor, they are very hard to get out of the floor. Have you ever tried to extract Dorito pieces from a carpet? Carpets love Doritos as much as I do; they just don’t want to let go! Even worse, Nacho Cheese Doritos are neon orange. There are precious few carpets that they can blend into.
I save the greatest sin of the Nacho Cheese Doritos for last: the infamous Dorito dust. You know it, and you hate it. The orange particles get stuck in between your fingernails, your teeth, the very cracks in your lips! Worse, Dorito dust stains. You can’t touch anything you love (or at least anything that has monetary value) while you are eating Doritos — not your books, not your computer, not even your friends, lest they be forever marked.
This last issue is what inspired me to take action. Snack culture is an ingrained part of college culture, not the other way around! Snacks are not the boss of us!
However, you’re not going anywhere if there is Dorito dust all over your things. So curb that temptation! A simpler snack can save your belongings from food-related damage.
There are also, of course, snacks that are healthy, like actual fruit. Actual fruit is not forbidden. You can read all of the ingredients of a fruit, too. (You just did! “Fruit.”) Nacho Cheese Doritos have a whopping 26 ingredients, including heavy-hitters like “maltodextrin” and “disodium inosinate.” You’re going to be twisting your tongue and scratching your head trying to figure out what those are until you find that you’re late for class.