Popular Store Faces Closing, Smithies in Uproar

Eliza Going '18

Contributing Writer

After more than 40 years of hipstery business in downtown Northampton, the much-loved Faces is finally closing its doors. While most residents of the surrounding area are making their last trips to the store and leaving with a heartfelt goodbye, close to 70 Smithies are currently protesting directly outside the building.

“I went to Faces this morning to pick up a couple pairs of socks with cats on them and some bacon-flavored floss, and one girl actually booed me as I went into the store,” reported one nondescript Caucasian man. “I think she thought I was the owner. Smithies seem to think all guys look alike. Every two weeks or so, I get s*** for breaking Taylor Swift’s heart.”

The Smithies have been camped out on Main Street since March 15. Holed up in sleeping bags and sipping chai lattes, they occasionally wave a poster around but usually only for a few seconds.

“Mostly they’re just on their phones,” confirmed one customer. “Honestly, this is one of those things you just do so you can tell people about it.” This particular customer went on to talk about his two-month-long trip to Guatemala to help build a school. He indeed had a man bun.

There is some speculation as to whether the protesters are really fighting to keep Faces open or, rather, just being annoying college kids. Sources added that several of the Smithies were listening to loud rap music and using foul language. According to these sources, they are the same type of people who share one coffee but stay in the café for four hours and who eat all your good cheese and allow your six-year-old to watch “Friends” while babysitting.

One protester said, “Nothing could replace Faces. Where else can I buy children’s toys and condoms at the same time? It’s up to us, the good people of Smith College, to make sure we don’t lose this gem of a retail store.” Sources confirmed marches will be held nightly at 8 p.m. starting at the Campus Center until Peter Vogel, the owner of the zany shop, comes to his senses and re-opens the store, ensuring Smithies won’t have to worry about what will become of the beloved and endless supply of Bob Marley posters.

“This is gonna hit the cat lady population hard,” said another teary-eyed Smithie Friday evening. “I care a lot about my future as a cat lady, and I like to prepare by buying things such as 50 woolen shawls that I wear all at once, all the time. With Faces closing, my future’s now in jeopardy. What will I even do with my degree in 16th-century English poetry?!” The protestor proceeded to burst into tears, and cough up a hairball.

For all the concerned Smithies out there, it’s recommended to explore other shopping options. As a reminder, the PVTA is free, and it’s not even snowing that much anymore, so buckle down and make that trip to Target. Sure, the throw pillows aren’t as quirky, and there’s not half the variety of Welcome to Northampton magnets, but as long as you choke back those tears and stay distracted by thinking about the Chipotle burrito you’ll reward yourself with, you won’t even think twice about your future as a cat lady.