Ex-Lovers Tell All: T. Swift is Insane

Gina Mantica '16

Assistant Arts Editor

With only 40 days until she sets off on her “1989” World Tour, Taylor Swift’s long list of ex-lovers finally came forward, announcing that they will be releasing a record together in May that highlights their own perspectives on their relationships with this country-turned-pop singing sensation. Following the release of Swift’s newest music video, “Style,” sources claim that Harry Styles contacted and approached other vocalists who may be interested in a musical collaboration of Swift-induced angst, including John Mayer, Eddie Redmayne and Joe Jonas. Close sources report that Jonas holds no grudge against Swift, and he does not want to perpetuate the sexism of the media by focusing undue attention on Swift’s love life instead of her music and accomplishments.

Jonas, however, appears to be the exception. Swift’s other known ex-boyfriends, including Conor Kennedy, Zac Efron, Jake Gyllenhaal, Taylor Lautner and Lucas Till, have reportedly reached out to Styles to join in on the collaboration. While some of Swift’s ex-lovers have no significant musical background, Styles has agreed to let them hop aboard his project.

Styles aims to expose Swift as the crazy ex-girlfriend fans and critics were privy to in her music video for “Blank Space.” While Swift’s management has claimed that the video was meant as a big “f*** you” to the reactions of the media following her break-ups, Styles asserts that the Taylor Swift you see banging up an expensive sports car with a golf club is the real Taylor Swift. Judging by their hasty involvement in the collaboration, many other ex-lovers are in agreement with Styles that Swift is, in fact, insane.

Some interesting information has recently been leaked regarding the content of the album. Mayer will be recording a song titled “Dear Taylor” in reaction to one of Swift’s older works, “Dear John.” Mayer claims in “Dear Taylor” that he really is an amateur at “sorry,” he never kept any lines blurry and he was definitely impressed by Swift acing his tests. Kennedy will also be recording his own song, titled “You Found Places,” in reaction to one of Swift’s newest songs, “I Know Places.” In his song, Kennedy claims that Swift initially bought her Cape Cod home to be closer to him, and he felt as though Swift was the hound and he was the fox — not that they were both foxes running from the media “hounds.” Sources also report that Redmayne and Till will be recording a ballad filled with their personal tales of heartbreak and woe. There is not yet information concerning the contributions of Efron, Gyllenhaal or Lautner to the album.

Music analysts project that the record will sell nearly as much as “1989” did when it was first released. 1989ers are already protesting the release of the record, and many former Styles fans have taken to Twitter using the hashtag #OutOfStyle to bring further attention to the issue. Swift promptly began to file charges of slander against the ex-lovers currently involved in this collaboration.